October 20, 2012 by Ashwin
I’m writing this post for no reason and I don’t know what I’m writing about. Usually I don’t write but right now I feel vulnerable and when I feel so I talk to my friends but this time everyone seemed too busy for me so I had no choice other than writing.
I don’t like to be alone but sometimes it’s good to be. I’m not a loner by any means but off late I’ve been behaving like one. I’m a social person and mingle well. I do form an opinion about almost everyone and everything and most of the times it’s a positive one. I try not to be negative about anyone until I know them.
I trust people very easily. If you are good to me, I’m all yours. I don’t care how you are with others or what wrong/right you have done with others but as long as you are nice to me, I really don’t care. Maybe I’m wrong but there are things you can’t change yourself and that’s the way I am. And for the same reason I’ve been betrayed so many times. I give up too much importance and many a times end up piece of crap and somewhat used. It’s not about self respect or ego. I have too much of self respect but you can never be a good friend to anyone if you have too big an ego.
Maybe I’m foolish, I don’t know , maybe I should have changed and learnt from my mistakes but for the same reason I’ve made so many really good friends. I’m a good person at heart (not boasting but something I know). Compassionate, Helpful, Caring, Empathic.
I always try to be happy. I’m a happy soul and I’m happy most of the times and whenever I’m not it shows on my face and I become full of sarcasm and behave like an ass. I’m a straight forward person and I can’t be two faced. But right now I feel vulnerable for no particular reason maybe because I don’t know where my life is heading. I feel angry but can’t take out my anger on anyone particularly at home but I need to vent out my frustration. Also I can’t tell anyone because I’m like this only. Right now, everything seems to be jumbled up.
I have stopped caring about others opinion and I don’t like to be judged. But if someone says something please give a reason for that and seriously if you say I’m a liar or a coward it would only bring a smile on my face at least someone had the courage to tell it to me on my face. I also have a habit of explaining things and giving my opinion to those I care and I don’t say anything without a reason. I may be wrong but I’m not perfect and neither are you.
Right now I’m confused. I don’t feel happy at most places. The only place where I feel happy is while playing. It’s the only place where I’m calm and happy. I don’t really show much emotion while playing but when it comes out it overflows and I feel it’s the real me.
I have stopped bothering about things which really bothered me some time back. I want to become a cold person, selfish. Sort myself out of the mess and I don’t need time because I think a lot and more time I get I feel depressed. But right now I need to get myself on track and good for myself.