Happy birthday to me.


October 30, 2012 by Ashwin

A voice in my head keeps singing: “it’s my birthday and ill cry if I want to” – but the truth is, I really really don’t want to anymore.Then why can’t I just stop?Today is a happy day. Or at least it should be a happy day. I was born today, 22 years ago. Then why do I feel like all this time I have never mattered? Did I ever mean anything to anyone? Other than being the fixer or the pleaser or the comedian of the group. Did anyone really truly love me? Or have I been a waste of human space for the past two decades.I rocked myself to sleep last night, crying as the birthday wishes pooled up – each one sweeter than the last. All because I gave you the power to hurt me last night.The sad part is that consciously I know that I am loved by people around me. But then why do I feel like I just don’t matter? I feel small and insignificant today. Worthless. Cheap.And all because I gave you so much power to fuck me up.Today was supposed to be my day. Do I matter so little to you that you couldn’t give me just this one day? Just this one day to celebrate surviving for 22 years? Just one day to celebrate trying to live this life where I’ve always felt alone and pathetic?Did I ever matter at all? I really thought I did.Or maybe I was deluding myself yet again..

via Happy birthday to me..

8 thoughts on “Happy birthday to me.

  1. sheladyanne says:

    Happy Birthday Dude….
    Since it is your Birthday I guess your entitled to do whatever you want to… feel whatever you want to, say whatever you want to, cry as much as you want to… but at the end of the day, Don’t forget to be happy because it’s your day.

  2. zarmeenk says:

    Happy birthday Ashwin =) I hope you have a good day – and truly celebrate YOUR day, everyone or everything can be dealt with later =)

    • Ashwin says:

      Thnx for the wish.. The b’day starts in 3 hours…

      I will definitely celebrate it and I’m excited too. Everything else will pass.

      One more thing, your writings are very dark. You should move on to better things, there is so much to be seen and enjoyed. Just a suggestion, don’t mind.

      • zarmeenk says:

        No I didn’t mind. You’d be surprised to know how I’m usually very happy and cheerful – but this is just another part of me that is equally as important as my happy side =)

        I’m glad you’re excited, and I hope you have an enjoyable birthday!


  3. Ashwin says:

    Good to know you are happy. Your blog seemed too dark.

    Thnx. 🙂

  4. Happy Birthday from “Ashcraft”!

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