October 30, 2012 by Ashwin
A voice in my head keeps singing: “it’s my birthday and ill cry if I want to” – but the truth is, I really really don’t want to anymore.Then why can’t I just stop?Today is a happy day. Or at least it should be a happy day. I was born today, 22 years ago. Then why do I feel like all this time I have never mattered? Did I ever mean anything to anyone? Other than being the fixer or the pleaser or the comedian of the group. Did anyone really truly love me? Or have I been a waste of human space for the past two decades.I rocked myself to sleep last night, crying as the birthday wishes pooled up – each one sweeter than the last. All because I gave you the power to hurt me last night.The sad part is that consciously I know that I am loved by people around me. But then why do I feel like I just don’t matter? I feel small and insignificant today. Worthless. Cheap.And all because I gave you so much power to fuck me up.Today was supposed to be my day. Do I matter so little to you that you couldn’t give me just this one day? Just this one day to celebrate surviving for 22 years? Just one day to celebrate trying to live this life where I’ve always felt alone and pathetic?Did I ever matter at all? I really thought I did.Or maybe I was deluding myself yet again..